Puberty and sexuality are not the easiest subjects to discuss with your children and teens, but having an open and honest dialogue about these topics is the best way for you to encourage your child to make healthy and informed decisions. Although you may sometimes feel awkward or uncomfortable, keep in mind that the decisions your child makes about sex can have a drastic effect on the rest of his or her life. This section of Sex Ed Central is all about parent sex education. Parents want what is best for their children, and we are here to assist you, as a parent, to help your child develop into a sexually healthy individual. Sex education for parents builds the foundation for sex education for children.
It is natural to feel uncomfortable talking to your child about sex; many parents struggle with their own discomfort around
their child’s emerging sexuality. Although you may wish to avoid the topic entirely, eventually your child will have questions and you will want to ensure that they are receiving accurate information. The best way to do so is to establish a foundation of communication between yourself and your child; let him or her know that there is no such thing as a “dumb question” and that you will do your best to answer whatever questions he or she may have.
We realize that most parents are not “experts” in the area of human sexuality, which is why parent sex education is so important! In this sex education for parents section, we address a few tips and suggestions for teaching your children about sex. Please keep in mind that our suggestions are not prescriptive in any way – they do not replace your own judgement about what your child is ready for, nor are they intended as a strict step by step formula. These tips are certainly not all-encompassing … there is a lot to sex education. Parents remain as the final decision makers regarding what to talk about with their children, and we encourage you to take your power and influence into consideration when talking to your kids about sex.
Here are a few suggestions for talking with your child about sex:
1) Start early.
When you are teaching your child where his eyes, ears nose and toes are, don’t forget his genitals. By teaching your child the proper names for all of his/her body parts, you are sending the message that all of his/her body parts are natural and deserve respect. Using terminology such as penis, scrotum, anus, vulva, vagina, clitoris, breasts and nipples along with toes, ears, fingers and eyes lets your child know that there is nothing shameful or dirty about his or her genitals. The last thing you want to do is give your child the idea that there is something “bad” or “wrong” about “those parts”. As a parent, sex education is one of the most empowering ways you can influence your child’s life.
Incorporate into this a discussion of boundaries and what is good touching and what is bad touching – your child needs to know what is and especially what is not okay. By teaching your child the proper names for all parts of his/her body, you are giving your child the power to communicate and to protect themselves.
What follows is a short, personal story of a woman who suffered repeated sexual abuse as a child. Told to me by another sexual health educator, I feel that this story illustrates just how important it can be to teach children how to communicate and use proper words to name their genitals:
As a young child, the girl was taught to call her vagina “cookie”. After the abuse began, she told a teacher what was happening.
Unfortunately, she used the only word she knew and told her teacher that “(Insert name) wants my cookie.”
Her teacher’s response: “You should be nice and share.”
Can you imagine how different the outcome of that conversation would have been, had this young girl been taught that she had a vagina rather than a cookie?
2) Answer questions.
Regardless of their age, kids often have questions. The difference between young children and older children and teens is that the young children have not yet learned to filter what they ask. By letting your child know that it’s okay to ask questions about anything, you are sending the message that it’s okay for them to talk to you and that asking questions won’t get them into trouble. Also, when you set the stage for communication and trust with your child, they are more likely to talk openly with you as they get older – as well as in the event of any abuse or unpleasant experiences.
As a parent, remember that you influence your child simply by how you approach sex education. Parents who demonstrate to their children that it is okay to be curious and to ask questions are helping their children to build confidence and comfort with their own sexuality.
3) Initiate discussions.
You can’t expect your child or teen to initiate conversations about sex with you – that’s your job as the parent. Sex education works best when applied in a hands-on or practical way. Look for “teachable moments” and let your child know that there is no reason for them to be embarrassed talking about these issues. Even when you feel uncomfortable, remember that your child is absorbing information from your words, your behaviour and your body language. If you can’t talk openly about sex, how can you expect your child to learn any differently?
4) Be honest.
Kids, and especially teens, know when you’re not being honest with them. Not only does lying to your child create a relationship where they cannot trust you to be honest, as well as teach them to be deceitful, it also sets them up with the potential for misguided decisions and serious consequences in the future. If you tell your nine-year-old child that babies are flown in by storks, and leave it at that, what do you think will happen when he or she is 14 and experimenting with sexual activity? Odds are good that he or she may not have a full understanding of how babies are created and … oops!
5) If you don’t know, find out.
If your child is asking you questions, it is your responsibility to answer them. Being a parent does not mean you need to know everything; there are plenty of great resources available at your fingertips. For example, Sexuality and U offers up-to-date, accurate information about “everything sex” to anyone who is looking for it – teens, adults, parents, educators and health professionals alike. Browse through our resources page to see what else is out there, and feel free to contact me if there is something you would like to suggest or to see listed.
Finally, if you are really uncomfortable or unsure about talking to your child about sex, or you want to ensure that they are learning as much as possible from a reliable source, consider seeking out a professional educator with experience teaching sexual health. You can’t depend on the school to teach your child everything he or she needs to know; school programming varies widely and often depends on the instructor’s comfort level with the subject. Professional sexual health educators, such as myself, are comfortable with the subject matter and enjoy teaching it. We are out there and ready to talk about anything and everything sex.
In partnership with Bartimaeus Inc., I offer a number of practical, engaging and interactive programs and workshops, including parent sex education workshops. As a parent, sex education is something you need to take seriously to ensure the current and future well-being of your child(ren). For more information or to book a workshop, contact me today.
If you have questions, comments or concerns, please do not hesitate to contact me. I would love to hear from you!
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