Why I’m a Breastfeeding Dad

4.24.2012

By Trevor MacDonald

I’m a transgender parent: not the parent of a transgender child, nor a parent who transitioned after having kids. Rather, I transitioned from female to male, and then later became pregnant—as a trans man. I had a healthy pregnancy, and birthed my baby naturally. And in that first moment when I saw my baby and held him in my arms—smelling his amazing, newborn baby smell—I became addicted to him.

Just last week, my little guy turned 1 years old, and I can say that my initial intense feeling toward him has only become more powerful over time. Part of its effect is to make me highly sensitive to my child’s needs, despite the awkward moments we sometimes endure in public as a nursing couple.

I was on an airplane a few months ago and my baby began crying during the descent. I unbuttoned my shirt and latched him on; from what I’ve read nursing can really help to ease the pain in a baby’s ears due to changes in pressure on a flight. When we landed, a fellow passenger came to stand in front of me and said, “Why are you breastfeeding this baby?”

I looked around and reminded myself that, on a crowded airplane, she probably couldn’t do us any physical harm. I explained, “Oh, I’m transgender. I birthed him myself, and so now I’m breastfeeding him.”

“Well you’re going to ruin his ears flying with him like this. This baby needs a real boob, man.”

I was born female but transitioned to male at age 23 by taking testosterone. My voice dropped, I grew facial hair, and my body shape changed. One year later, I had male chest-contouring surgery that removed most of my breast tissue. I retained my female reproductive organs, but I felt (and still feel) fully male, and anybody seeing me on the street would never guess that I’m anything but a regular dude. This is how I’m happy.

In fact, after my transition, I was so very happy and comfortable that I quickly settled down with Ian, the love of my life (yes, I’m that complicated – I’m not just any old transgender guy, I’m a gay transgender guy, and it is perfectly right for me). Soon we decided we’d like to have a family together. We looked into adoption, but then decided that the homegrown variety would be best for us. We consulted with a few doctors who suggested that I stop taking my testosterone and wait for my cycles to return to normal. They did, and we married and got pregnant. We were so traditional, even, that our due date was exactly forty weeks from the day of our wedding.

I chose to breastfeed our son as best I could. Due to my previous surgery, I don’t make all the milk that he needs, so I use what is called a supplemental nursing system (SNS) to feed him donated breast milk. The SNS consists of a long, narrow feeding tube that sits in the donated milk in a bottle. I place the tube just by my nipple so that my baby latches on to the tube as well as my nipple. He then gets all the breast milk that I’m able to produce simultaneous to the supplement that he draws from the bottle. All of his feedings are done at my chest. After one year of this, we are still both enjoying our breastfeeding relationship.

My breastfeeding journey has not been easy. It’s physically very challenging to latch a baby on when you have next to zero protruding breast tissue. Learning to juggle the SNS in addition to this made nursing even harder for us. So why do I bother? Why don’t I just give my baby his donated breast milk in a bottle and call it a day?

I started out nursing purely for the health benefits. I read that any amount at all of my own milk would contain antibodies specifically designed by my body to protect my son—unique from any other substance in the world. I also learned that the mechanical action of breastfeeding promotes normal jaw development. Who doesn’t want a normally developed jaw? I thought. But looking back on this last year, I have come to believe that breastfeeding, for us at least, is far more than this. Breastfeeding is the easiest way for me to comfort my child when he is upset, tired, hurt, or scared. It works well for us and keeps him happy.

I wish I’d been eloquent enough at the time to explain these things to the woman on the airplane, but what I said was, “I hope you have a good vacation.” I wanted her to leave us alone.

She returned with, “Well, you should know that Jesus loves you.”

After this, I focused on Jacob and babbled at him endlessly as if I were a child myself. “I’m so sorry that your ears hurt on the way down. You poor little thing. I love you soooooooo much. Now that we’re in Vancouver we’ll get to visit your grandparents who are very, very excited to see you.”

I kept hugging my boy and chatting to him until the woman left and then I sobbed, fumbling for my things while the other passengers quietly filed off the plane.

I’ll never forget the kind words of a fellow traveler who witnessed the whole episode. He came to find me at the luggage belt, looking terribly serious. “Don’t you ever let anyone take the joy of this baby from you,” he said. Then he repeated it one more time, with emphasis, “Don’t you ever let anyone take the joy of this baby from you.”

Wherever you are, gentle stranger, thank you, and I won’t.

Trevor MacDonald lives in Winnipeg, Canada, with his partner, baby, and dog. He is currently a stay-at-home dad, and has an honors BA in political science from the University of British Columbia. While remaining secure in his identity as a gay man, he breastfeeds his baby boy because of the zillions of studies that prove that breastfeeding is a healthy, biologically normal choice for babies. He writes about his queer breastfeeding adventures on his blog at www.milkjunkies.net.

Permission Slippage

My wife and I have been married eighteen years, basically since high school. We opened up our marriage two years ago. She quickly attracted an avalanche of attention online, and has had a couple of lovers. It has done her—and us—good. But my own experience has been the opposite of hers: tepid interest online; endless correspondence with sort-of interested parties; a few disastrous dates.

I’m writing to get your opinion on a point of ethics, and also your permission. The few women who have expressed interest so far—other than the two who wanted long-term monogamy from me or nothing—only did so as long as they thought I was cheating on my wife. As soon as they realized that I was hooking up with her approval, they were no longer interested. I find it ironic that I worked so hard to do the ethical thing by opening up my marriage, only to find that the ethical thing itself is a buzzkill, but anyway.

There’s a bit more at stake here aside from some kanoodling: both before marriage and now, I never successfully dated or hooked up (I was a bit of an ugly duckling adolescent), and this endless rejection is starting to affect my libido and my self-worth. I need to get past it. I’m very honest and can’t actively deceive anyone, unless I’m convinced it’s just part of the game. Do I have your permission to pretend I’m cheating on my wife in order to not cheat on my wife with someone who gets off on the thought of me cheating on my wife? My wife is fine with this.

What The Fuck, Over

First, some theories—yanked out of my ass just now—about the women who bailed on you after they found out you weren’t a CPOS:

1. They were looking to do something dirty and wrong, WTFO, and once they found out you were proposing something clean and correct, they were no longer interested.

2. They were cheating on their husbands and were looking for a “mutual assured destruction” pact—you couldn’t expose her as a CPOS because she would be able to expose you as a CPOS.

3. They were after two particular and overlapping ego boosts. They were turned on by the thought that you were willing to “risk everything” to fuck ‘em (because they were just that irresistible), WTFO, and they wanted to feel superior to—and more desirable than—whatever the woman you had at home. MomLogic (“What Moms Are Talking About”) did a piece on this a few years ago: “52% of women have had sex with a married man: Momlogic contributor Shannon Fox says one of the reasons women will sleep with a married man is because women tend to be very competitive. ‘If they can get a man who’s committed to someone else, they take it as a win.’”

That said, WTFO, I’m with your wife. I don’t see any harm in deceiving women who are aroused by deception about the fact that you’re not deceiving your wife. Deceiving people is wrong, ethically speaking, but the deception here is mild and no one is or will be harmed by it. These women you “deceive” get a “win” by sleeping with a married man and you get to enjoy a little libido- and self-worth-enhancing pussy. Don’t go on and on about how your life will be destroyed if your wife should ever find out—don’t actively deceive anyone (your impulse there is a correct)—but don’t feel obligated to set them straight if they assume you’re a CPOS.

Permission granted, WTFO.

Another Gold-Star Pedophile

I’m a gay man in my late 20s who has been trying to deal with an attraction to young boys since I hit puberty. I know that what I feel is wrong and wish to Christ that I could have a normally wired brain. I have never abused a child; I do not look at child pornography. But I need to speak to a therapist because I can’t get through this on my own. Bottom line is I’m afraid. Seriously afraid. I don’t know what my legal rights are and I don’t know how to go about getting more information without incriminating myself. I’m sure there are more people than just me who need to talk about this. My problem is that I’m not financially stable enough to afford seeing someone for more than a few sessions. I just can’t keep saying I’m fine, and I can’t let healthy relationships fall apart because I’m unable to talk to anyone about my problem.

Can’t Wish It Away

I shared your letter with Dr. James Cantor, a psychologist, associate professor at the University of Toronto, and editor in chief of Sexual Abuse: A Journal of Research and Treatment. (Follow Dr. Cantor on Twitter @JamesCantorPhD.) The first thing he said, CWIA, was that you deserved praise—he called you “an ace”—for making it this far without having committed an offense.

But accessing the support you need to get through the next six or seven decades of life without sexually abusing a child—support the culture should provide to men and women like you in order to protect children—isn’t going to be easy, Dr. Cantor said, particularly if you live in the United States.

“Other countries have created programs to help people like CWIA,” said Dr. Cantor. “Germany has Prevention Project Dunkelfeld, which includes a hospital-based clinic and anonymous hotlines that people who are attracted to children can call when they need to talk to someone, vent, or debrief. In Canada, we have the Circles of Support and Accountability—groups of volunteers who provide assistance and social support and who, in turn, receive support and supervision from professionals.”

But Canada funds these programs only for people who committed a sexual offense. The Circles program isn’t open to “gold-star pedophiles,” my term for men and women who have successfully struggled against their attraction to children without any support or credit. (Yes, credit. Someone who is burdened with an attraction to children—no one chooses to be sexually attracted to children—and successfully battled that attraction all of his adult life deserves credit for his strength, self-control, and moral sense.)

Sadly, in the United States, we’ve taken steps that make it harder for pedophiles to get the support they need to avoid offending.

“One of the recent regulations in the United States is mandatory reporting,” said Dr. Cantor. “These regulations vary by region, but in general, if a client has children or provides care to children and admits to experiencing sexual attraction to children—any children—the therapist is required to report the client to the authorities, regardless of whether any abuse was actually occurring.”

The goal is to protect children, of course, and that is a goal I fully support as a parent and a human being. But broad mandatory reporting policies have an unintended consequence: People like CWIA—people who need help to avoid acting on their attraction to children—are cut off from mental health professionals who can give them the tools, insight, and support they need. Mandatory reporting policies, designed to protect children, may be making children less safe.

“The situation is not completely hopeless, however,” said Dr. Cantor. “Therapists with training and experience working with people attracted to children are keenly aware of the delicate legal situation that both they and their clients are in. A good therapist—a licensed therapist, please—will begin the very first session by outlining exactly what they must report and what they may not report.”

So long as there is no specific child in specific danger—so long as you don’t have children (please don’t), CWIA, and don’t work with children (please don’t)—your therapist is required to keep whatever information you share confidential.

“CWIA should ask questions about confidentiality before disclosing anything to a therapist,” said Dr. Cantor. “He can ask these questions over the phone before making an appointment or even revealing his name.”

To find a therapist, CWIA, you can contact—anonymously—the Association for the Treatment of Sexual Abusers (http://atsa.com/request-referral).

“Although that group is primarily about services to persons who have already committed an offense,” said Dr. Cantor, “the professionals in their referral network are able and willing to help people in CWIA’s situation as well.”

Even the few sessions you can afford will help, CWIA.